Soul Searchin

Hey you, yeah you….hang in there.

So after a week of feeling completely unmotivated and abnormally tired, here I sit at 2:25am pst with my laptop in front of me. I’ve spent the better parts of this week wishing I could crack this thing open and write something meaningful. I wish that I could continue working on that one script or write my portion of this buisness plan. I’m longing to rediscover my passion and voice so that I can create as I know God intended me to. However, every time I attempted to get out of bed, it was like a force was pulling me back. My body heavy, my eyes tired, my soul-weary, and my mind confused by my inability to find the source of such significant lack. Finally, as I attempted to lay in my bed tonight, exhausted from what was a long day, for the first time in forever (definitely sung in my head in Anna’s voice) instead of sleep, all I could manage to do was do is write.

A revelation of sorts is perhaps the culprit for my inability to sleep. As I search my thoughts, it’s donned on me that what I am feeling is completely normal. You know, considering we are in the middle of a whole ass pandemic with a racist, sexist, dictator, idiot at the “helm” of this country as his works to rig the upcoming election right before our very eyes. Oh, and that there is still an uprising where the simple cry for equality and our Black lives to matter is being met with resistance and continued abuse. And if that weren’t enough, well, I’ve been working hard, praying and believing, seeing and hoping, and working some more for quite some time for these dreams of mine to come true and every time I’ve been on the brink, something somehow stalls. It is all so crushing. Nearly impossible to not feel defeated. Completely understandable to want to just give up. In the face of an uphill battle where the goalposts keep moving, and the opposition consistently has the one up. It is a hopeless place and a hopeless feeling to not even know if the fucking post office will exist in the time we need it most. Even more, not even knowing what you can do about it, especially if the people in power refuse to do anything themselves. Life has taken such a turn from the bright and happy days of pre-march 13th. I was preparing to head to Jamaica, I was seemingly on the one-yard line of closing major deals. I was, well, hopeful. And yet, here I am, in the hours, minutes, seconds even leading up to August 15th, 2:38 am, hopeful I was not. There’s a meme that says, “So much can change in a year,” considering how long of a year the last 5 months have been, that almost seems ominously comical. We read those kinds of things and tend to think of all the ways our lives can change for the better, and then life happens, and in a blink of an eye, everything has changed for the worst. I’d be lying if I didn’t say that it is quite tempting to stay right here in my own violin filled puddle of self-pity but the ministering voice of Tamala Mann echos in the depths of my heart, “but still my soul, refuses to die.” I’d like to tell you that in simply believing it to be so, everything snaps into place from this moment on. I’d like to have you believe that joy will literally come in the morning light and that in just mere hours when the sun rises that every bit of self-doubt, fear, and discouragement will burn away as the summer temperatures rise. Truth is, it will not. The lingering effects of the reality of the state of the world will still remain. However, this time, unlike the mornings before, the fight in my soul will overcome my weary mind. Even through tears, under the weight of uncertainty, I’ll look back over the last 20 mins of my life and see that I can write even amid my sorrow. I can create. I can push through to the other side of the block. I can come up with a plan to do my part to fight for democracy. I can do my part to amplify the voices of the grassroots efforts to liberate my people. I can choose to keep going when most would give up and to dream even bigger because maybe the issue is that my previous dreams weren’t big enough. Most importantly, I can give myself grace. After all, every moment that I take another breath is an act of rebellion. Every time I honor my soul is a moment of healing. The more I heal, the more empowered I grow. And the more I grow, the stronger of a force I will be. As the old saying goes, “sometimes, you have to encourage yourself.” Perhaps that’s what this is. Perhaps I needed a moment of breakthrough to get back to the creative outlet that hasn’t truly failed me yet. To get back to the self that refuses to fail the world for whatever part God has intended me to play in it. But I am most hopeful that for whoever is reading this, those who have felt heavy, unmotived, and drained. I hope that you read this and know that you are not alone. Many people are feeling this exact way. It’s okay to cut yourself some slack. After all, we are in a whole ass pandemic with our entire democracy on the line as a fight for justice remains amid your own personal struggles. It would almost be crazy to not feel any of what you are feeling. I just want you to know that it gets better. That if you can just keep swimming (I totally sang that in dory’s voice). If you can just stay whatever course you were set on before March 13th turned our whole world upside down. You’ll get to the other side. I have no idea what the other side is for you, but I pray it includes freedom and joy. I pray that “never the same” means the exact breakthrough you perhaps didn’t even know you needed is on the horizon. We can’t go back to “normal” because normal as it was wasn’t working. I hope that new life, in its new way breathes new hope into your heart and ignites a fire into your destiny. It’s incredible how in the world that holds billions of people and even more species, its so easy to feel alone. Until one day, you stumble upon a random blog, where some random girl is sharing her late-night thoughts, and suddenly you are reminded that you’re not. You’re human, and despite the ugliest sides of that, we are connected. Although, through a different lens, there is a universal shared experience that is happening right now. I hope that it fuels you to find even the tiniest of belief in what you can do and the turn for the better that life can take if you simply don’t give up. And even though it may not look like it right now, we will win. Hang in there!

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