So yesterday was quite the day. I woke up feeling pretty decent about things, and then bam, the star player from my favorite team was ruled out for the game I would attend later that night. What a bummer, but hey, nothing I can do about it. Gotta just go and root on the guys suiting up. Then I went to my uncle’s funeral. We weren’t that close in the later years of his life, but I have such fond memories of him and his late wife from my childhood, and more than anything, watching my dad bury another sibling was hard. But hey, I’m there to support him, so we powered thru. While at the cemetery, we visited my cousin’s gravesite, which was hard.
I miss her and her beautiful smile and infectious laugh. But I know she’s looking down on us, proud of her brother and parents for continuing and keeping the family business alive. She is proud of her nephew, who is graduating this year and excelling in baseball. Proud of me for continuing to hustle and keep her legacy of excellence alive the best I can. And so, with that, I shed my tear and then felt a wave of empowerment. I have to keep going. Finally, I went to root for my favorite team alongside a rowdy crowd as they fought to the very end. The refs fucked us royally and cost us a winnable game, something I am still mad about, to be honest, but hey, what can I do about it at this point. There is another game tomorrow, and the best I can do is root my team on who still has a chance to win the game and the series. Yesterday was a series of events that were beyond my control, and while I had feelings about them, what I know to be true is that if I were to allow those feelings to overpower me, then I’d be holding onto burdens that aren’t mine to carry. In therapy, I am learning to lighten my load by removing the weight of things beyond my control. What can I control? The things I do and say. How I allow things to impact me, and how much energy and effort I put towards them and in life. How I speak about and to myself. What I can’t control? What others say and do. How they react to and view me. The results after I’ve given my best. Outcomes and the future. Like me worrying about shit I can’t do anything about is only creating more problems for myself, and let me tell you, I’ve got enough of those already. I don’t have to go out of my way to create new ones. And so, I write my thoughts out, think of immediate solutions to the things I can do something about, and set boundaries around the people and things that cause me more stress than good. I am learning to control what I can control and give the rest to God. Cause let me tell ya, so long as I am giving it, whatever it may be, my best, my all, then that’s all I can do. Each day I try my best to fill the boxes of who I want to be. Did I do something to advance my career today? Yes. Am I walking in my purpose? Yes. Was I kind today? Yes.
Have I checked in with myself? Yes. Did I affirm myself and others today? Yes. Did I do my best? Yes. So long as those answers are yes or I tried, I can trust everything else to work out for my good. Rome wasn’t built in a day, and I am not required to have it all figured out overnight. Things take time, and sometimes that is frustrating as hell, and that’s okay too. But if it isn’t anymore that I can do about it, then I won’t allow it to take up too much space in my head and infect my heart. I don’t know who needs to hear this, but let it go!
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